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Oh, they say, you’re so lucky living in the South of France, all that great food you get there. Lucky, lucky you.

Actually we buy it all at Lidl. Well, nearly all of it. The only stuff we don’t buy there is:

• Asparagus. This we buy from roadside huts or the guy under the arches on Saturday at the market.
• Olive oil. Not the cooking quality stuff, the rubbish we still buy at Lidl. No, I’m talking about the sipping-quality stuff. That comes from Domaine des Costieres or perhaps, soon, the Sommieres Co-op. And not the Co-op that gives Dividend stamps either.
• Baby cereal. The kind you put in her bottle to keep her quiet in the morning.
• Duct tape. Ditto.
• Flaked almonds. Lidl don’t sell them.
• Coffee. That comes from the torrefactor in Avignon. Actually this is a lie, the terms of my house arrest no longer allow me to travel away from home for long enough to get to Avignon during their hours of opening. Our coffee now comes from Lidl. But it’s shit.
• Tea. We have PG Tips flown in from the UK.
• Nappy sacks. Ditto.

Things that we buy from our Lidl that you may not get in yours if you don’t live in the South of France:

• Merlot in 3- or 4-litre boxes. Apparently if you live in Burgundy you get cheap Burgundy and in Alsace, cheap Alsace. And also apparently if you live in Chichester you get South African Pinotage and serve you right.
• Foie gras. We get the cheap kind in tins which is cut with pork liver and the good stuff in a jar, a whole foie (well, one lobe), 4 euros something or other.
• Goat cheese. Better than Carrefour’s too, but not as good as from the lady on the market.
• Costieres de Nimes rosé. Very nice.