I thought about going out to hit 18 holes or so with my golf bat or perhaps playing some tennis with the local politians but they won’t let my dog on the golf course so in the end decided that I’d rather have a takeaway curry. But you can’t find any here because the place is full of crappy drivers and cheese shops and bloody English people who write about how delightful the cheese is and how you can’t get an effin’ plumber for cash. So I ended up ordering some instant curry powder on the internet which I gave to my wife to cook instead. She’s a great cook, nearly as good as my mother who’s Italian. I prefer Italy, the food is great and my auntie knows what I like to eat.

* Normal service will be resumed eventually

With apologies to Bob and Alex who are both a bit more interesting than that.