Thanks to Duane for this one:

Are you tired of those sissy-ass “friendship” poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well,here is the way it REALLY is….without the feel good gingerbread.

1. When you are sad — I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile — I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused — I will use little words.
7. When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall — I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath….. I pledge it to the end. “Why?” you may ask; “because you are my friend”.
And my favourite:
10.Remember…….A good friend will help you move…..a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.